Life and Times of Severus Snape
by Briee
Summary: Severus never thought his life would be as it was. He was happy at one time. It didn't last but he never wanted anybody to get hurt. He turned bitter after the death of his only love. View Severus' life from the summer before Hogwarts until he dies.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: So this is a James and Lily story told through Snape's point of view. It's a little dark, but what do you expect from Severus Snape? He's not exactly a smiley happy person, now is he?**

**--**

The first time I saw her, her hair shone brightly in the light and her eyes glittered with youthful innocence. She didn't know about the evils of the world or the feuding between Muggle-borns and PureBloods (and everything in between).

I watched her for an hour, playing in the small park near Spinner's End. She was beautiful and I wanted to speak to her so badly. But every time I saw her, she was with her sister. Her sister was nothing like her. She was horse-like and plain. Lily, on the other hand, with her red hair and green eyes, was like a goddess.

And so, every day, between the hours of 4 and 6, I would walk down to the park and hide behind the tall bush to watch them play. Whether they were on the swing set, the jungle gym or the teeter-totter, I would just there and watch.

After six, when the sisters would go home, I would find my way back to our small flat, with its two bedrooms, one loo and one kitchen which also converted into a "drawing" room. It was grimy and the wallpaper was peeling in certain spots. And even though the sink in the bathroom leaked and half the time there was no water, it was home.

My father, a Muggle named Tobias, was sitting at the dinner table, impatiently waiting for supper. Or maybe he was waiting for me; the scowls on his face are usually the same in either case. My mother, Eileen Prince Snape, bustled in with three plates of supper. She placed the first plate in front of Tobias and the next in front of me. She sat next to her husband and in front of me. Tobias was always at the head of the table.

We ate in silence, the food too liquid for my taste, until my mother attempted at idle conversation. "So Severus, where were you?"

Tobias told my mother to shut up and she bowed her head in silence. "Where were you boy?"

"I was at the park."

"Why are you always at that stupid park?"

"I like it there."

Tobias grunted at me. "Find something better to do." I didn't reply and Tobias gave me a hard look. "Got it?" I nodded, too upset to say anything. I could feel anger boiling inside of me and my mother looked up from her plate. She gave me a look that said 'control yourself'. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the feelings down. They were stored with everyone other feeling and I displayed a neutral face.

Supper continued in quiet, well, at least from the three of us. Outside, birds were cawing, cars were driving, and people were talking as they walked down the street. It was basically normal evening sounds. When supper was done and I was sent from the table, I went to check if there was any water in the tank. I was able to fill in half the tub with lukewarm water. I washed my hair and my face before the water turned cold and I quickly dried up. I drained the tub and walked into my bedroom, throwing myself on the thin mattress that was my bed.

My mother came in and sat next to me. "Listen Severus, you need to keep your temper under control. We can't have accidents happen anymore. You know you are a wizard. There's no reason for you to lose control."

"But I didn't!" I protested.

"I know, but I could tell by the look in your eyes that you were about to. Your father does what he can to support us and he can be abrupt sometimes, but without him we couldn't have a house."

"Is Tobias my real father?" The words blurted out of my mouth faster than I could stop them. I knew that he was, but I was hoping, no wishing, that he wasn't. I had only slight similarities to his appearance; I looked a lot more like my mother than my 'father'. It could have been possible. "Fathers are supposed to love their sons, no matter if they are different. Fathers are supposed to play ball with their sons, encourage them to be the best they can be."

"He's your father, and he does the best he can."

"Fine." I didn't want to talk about it any longer because my mother would always defend him. No matter how many times he hurt us, she would always love him.

My mother rubbed my back and left my room. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the yelling sounds coming from the kitchen. I imagined the soft red hair in my hand, her bright green eyes shining as she smiled at me. Her soft voice whispering my name.

The first time I found out her name, Lily, was when her mother had brought her to the park to play. Lily was on the swings, pumping her legs to get higher. "Mummy, look how high I am!" she cried out, smiling widely. Her mother called back sharply, "Lily, don't go too high. You'll hurt yourself."

After that, whenever I saw her, I called her name softly, under my breath. I imagined her replying to me, or having her come to my hiding spot and invite me to play with her. It never happened, but I still hoped that one day it would.

At four o'clock the next day, I sat in my bush and waited for Lily and her sister to arrive. They did and Lily was all excited about something.

"Petunia! Look! I want to show you something I learnt to do!"

Petunia smiled with excitement. "Lily, tell me what it is!?"

"You would never believe me if I told you. I have to SHOW you."

The brown-haired girl sighed and said, "Fine. SHOW me what you learnt. It better not be something silly." Lily just smiled and tugged at her arm impatiently.

I watched as they went over to a bush of flowers opposite to where I was sitting. Lily stood in front of it, her sister standing so close next to her that I couldn't see what was going on. Silently, I crept out of the bush where I was hiding and made my way over, trying not to make noise. I stayed far enough back to make it look like I wasn't paying attention to what the two girls were doing. I sat on the swings, pretending not to look in Lily's direction as I watched what she was doing, but I still wasn't able to see. I found another bush to hide behind and from it I could see what Lily and her sister were doing.

Lily's hands were splayed out in front of her over a flower, her eyes closed in concentration. The open flower suddenly closed its petals and then reopened them. She did it a few more times for her bewildered sister and it clicked in my mind. She was a witch.

I jumped from the bush and ran over. "You're a witch!" I told her, sounding a little more accusatory than I would have liked.

The red-head turned to me with a weird look on her face. "What did you just call me?"

"You're a witch. I saw you opening and closing the flower."

"You're a prick!" she said, glaring at me before turning about face and dragging her confused sister with her.

I walked home feeling slightly guilty, but I shrugged it off. She was a witch, so why was she getting all upset? Maybe she thought I meant it in a different way. That might explain her reaction. I shook my head. Girls were complicated.

--

The next day I went to the park, but Lily wasn't there. I waited for half an hour but when she didn't show up, I left. Every day for a week, I waited for Lily to come back to the park but she never showed. I was beginning to feel discouraged but I went one last time to the park. I sat on the swing and began slowly moving, not really trying to swing high. A voice behind me made me jump and I stopped swinging.

"Why did you tell me I was a witch?"

"Because you are. You are a witch. In a magical sense." I made sure to add that because she had taken it badly last time.

"Oh." Lily chewed her lip in thought. "How would you know?"

"I'm a warlock."

"Oh." Again, she paused. "How do you know?"

"My mom is a witch." I didn't add that she had to suppress her abilities and do things the hard Muggle way because Tobias hated it. Let Lily think I had a happy life like hers. "And I can make things happen."

"Like my flower?"

"Yes, but I don't exactly play around in the garden." My father would beat me more than he already does. "I make objects move mostly. Potion brewing with natural elements as well." When I could find the elements. Eye of newt was hard to come by in the Muggle world.

Lily looked at me with wide eyes. "Really? Wow. That cool."

I couldn't help the smile that was tugging on my lips. It was a new feeling this, the desire to smile. I embraced it and let the smile spread. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"When did you know?"

"Since I was little. My mum told me that she was a witch and wanted to know if I could do magic as well."

"Could you help me?"

"Well, it's all about your own magical abilities. If they're weak, well then it's harder to build on them." I wasn't sure if that was true, but I thought it might be the best thing to tell her if I wanted her to stick around longer. If she was taking magic lessons from me, in a sense, then she would be around long enough to become my friend. And maybe, when we were older, she could fall in love with me.

My future suddenly didn't seem as dark and bleak. I never thought I could be happy, not with my father being the way he is and my mother just taking it. Maybe I could have the ending that everyone should have, magical and non-magical person alike. Just maybe I could be happy with my life.

--

At first I met Lily once a week at the park, although I went to watch her play there with her sister every other day. Soon, it turned into twice and three times a week. And then she wanted to play at the park every second day.

By the end of July, we were nearly inseparable. We played at the park all the time, staying out late and getting up early. I almost always went to her house for lunch, since I didn't even want her on the same street as where I lived. Some of my neighbours were pretty shady and I was worried as to what might happen to her. Sure, she lived about a few streets away, close enough to say we lived near each other, but it was still the fact that it changed so dramatically between two streets.

One day she explained why being called a witch was so upsetting. Muggles hadn't dealt with real witches for three centuries, and they had the most bizarre notions. Their idea of a proper spell was "hocus-pocus". Their favourite witch tale was about an old witch who Transformed children into gingerbread and ate them. Small wonder that they considered "witch" an insulting word.

I wasn't there when she got her letter, but when I got mine, I knew that she would probably be getting hers that same day. I nearly ran out of my house and down the street with anticipation. Would she actually have hers? What if Dumbledore didn't recognize her talent? It nearly stopped me in my steps the thought, but I banished it. Lily HAD to get one. It was impossible for her to not have one.

When I knocked on her door, she answered right away, as if she was about to leave her house. "I got the letter!" she nearly screamed. She hugged me tightly and I could smell her floral scent. When she pulled back, we were wearing identical smiled. Simultaneously we held up our respectful letters.

We were going to Hogwarts together.

--

I went with Lily and her mother to Diagon Alley, partly because my own mother didn't want to go and see some old friends of hers and partly because Lily and her mother had no idea where it was or how to get in. She wanted to go into every store and ogle each item. She would constantly ask me what certain objects were or did and I would explain it all, loving the attention she was lavishing on me. A few times, I saw people I knew walking about, but none recognized me. My family didn't exactly have people over for parties and we weren't the first on the list when other wizarding families had get-togethers. I was a little unhappy about that (mostly because I wanted everyone to see me with the most beautiful girl ever) but I was glad that I didn't have the "being stopped on the side of the road to catch up with family because they're too lazy to owl a letter". Once we had all the things we needed for school, we stopped at Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour. I spent the absolute last of my money to treat Lily and her mum. When they asked if I didn't want one of my own, I claimed that ice cream didn't settle in my stomach properly.

Mrs. Evans asked me if I wanted to stay for supper and as much as I would have loved to, I told her that my mum was cooking me my favourite supper because of my acceptance. She smiled at me and told me next time I would stay.

Lily gave me another hug before I left and told me to come back the next day so that we could go through everything she bought (again) so that I could explain (again) what everything did. I nearly skipped home with joy. This had to have been one of the best days of my life and I was sure that more were on their way.

--

We spent the rest of the summer together, talking about what school was going to be like, what we planned to do, and all the things we would like to try. I felt bad for Petunia because we found a letter in her room from Dumbledore explaining that she didn't have magical abilities and that she would not be able to attend Hogwarts. Apparently, she had written to him after Lily got her letter. But when she caught us with the letter and cursed us thoroughly (in the Muggle sense, which meant it was insulting but had no actual effect), I no longer felt bad. I was glad she wouldn't be going to Hogwarts as well because then she would take away Lily's attention.

When Petunia became mean and rude towards her sister, I was there to comfort her. My feelings for her were growing each day and the desire to be with her at all times grew. Sure, we were only 11, but I felt like this is how it should always be. I knew it was wrong to think of things going well for me; they never had in the past. Things were looking up and if Lily would be my friend forever, nothing could ever go wrong.

--

**Author's note: I'm not sure how many chapters I'll put in this one. Depends on the feedback, but I was thinking one for each Hogwarts year and one for life after Hogwarts and after Lily dies until Severus dies.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: So I didn't get any reviews for my last chapter, but I noticed over 20 people hit the story. Hmm. Anyways, I hope that even though there were no reviews that SOMEONE liked the chapter. **

**--**

The summer sped by, bringing Hogwarts closer and closer to me. I was excited and frightened at the same time. I couldn't wait to leave my house, and Tobias, to become part of a new family. But I was frightened because it was unknown.

Lily and I would spend hours discussing what the classes would be like, what the teachers might be like and who the students were. I knew some wizarding families, such as the Blacks, from a time when my mother wasn't completely ruled by her husband and I told her about them. She didn't seem to think much about them but kept her comments quiet. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't approve of some of things their ancestors had done or why I would admire them, so I stopped talking about them.

When the day came for us to leave, Lily's parents along with her sister, drove us to the train station. My mother had "suddenly come down with a fever and could barely get out of bed". When Mrs. Evans asked why my father wasn't taking me, I shrugged and muttered something about work.

We grabbed a trolley each and placed our bags on it before finding out way to platform 9 ¾. My mom had told me the directions this morning while Tobias was in the loo. The barrier whooshed passed us as we entered and the train stood in front of my eyes, large and incredible. I observed every dent and every colour, my heart thumping loudly in my chest with anticipation. I looked over at Lily and saw that her eyes held the same awe as mine did.

I saw some students that I recognized from my childhood walking around, talking to their parents or hanging their heads out of the windows to call out last messages. None of them noticed me, or if they did, didn't show that they knew who I was. I lugged my bags towards the train, letting Lily have a moment with her family. Once my luggage was safely tucked away, I found Lily again and helped her with her own bags. We boarded the train together, trying to find an empty compartment.

As we walked around, I told her about wanting to be in Slytherin, and that if she wanted to be in with me, she just had to be confident. A snigger suddenly sounded behind us. We turned around and in front of me were two boys, both with black hair. One of them looked like Sirius Black, but it had been a while since I had seen him so I wasn't sure. The other boy though was a complete strange to me, and I looked at them blankly.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Why are you trying to convince this lovely red-head she would do well in Slytherin? She doesn't seem the type," said the boy with glasses.

I sneered at him, although I didn't mean too. "And what you would know?"

"Pretty girls don't usually end up in Slytherin."

"Are you a first year?"

"Yes."

"Then again, how would you know?"

"Because the type that get into that house are from… well, let's just say families that aren't that great."

"Yeah, that's for sure," Sirius Black said. He looked at me with a funny eye and said "Aren't you something Snape?"

"Severus," I said quickly, although I regretted it immediately.

"Hm. Thought so."

"And you're Sirius Black. If your family knew you were hanging with this," I gave another sneer towards the bespectacled boy, "self-righteous Gryffindor-type, they wouldn't be too happy."

A big smile erupted on Black's face. "Perfect! Exactly the reaction I want!"

I was confused but didn't let it on. The boy with the glasses was making googly eyes towards Lily who was pointedly looking away. I could tell he thought the same thing as I did: that she was beautiful. I felt suddenly possessive and I wanted to whisk her away.

"James, I think that Snevelly here is trying to intimidate us." He looked over at his friend and when he noticed his gaze rolled his eyes. "I know she's pretty, mate, but stop staring."

So his name was James. A closer inspection triggered my mind with something. Could he be James Potter? His family, from what I could remember, was different from other Pure Blood families. They respected Muggles and didn't practice dark arts. I wondered suddenly if his parents loved each other and him. Probably, but I pushed the thoughts from my head.

"Lily, let's go," I told her, taking her soft hand in my own. I saw Potter cringe but didn't say anything. A satisfied smirk rose on my face as I pulled her in the direction we were originally headed.

Behind us, I heard Potter mutter her name softly under his breath. Curse him if he was going to be infatuated with Lily. She was mine.

--

Before we reached the school station we were instructed to put on our robes. That was a great relief, and not just because it made me feel more wizardly. Nobody could see that, under the robes, I was wearing hand-me-downs and Potter was dressed in the latest fashions. We looked like equals.

We got to the school right on time and all the first years were separated from the rest of the group. I tried to steer Lily away from the two boys, but they seemed to be following. I was glad when she and I got into one of the boats with another boy and girl I didn't know. Lily instantly chattered with them, while I glumly looked ahead. I wanted her to be chatting with me, not whoever those people were. I was glad when the shore came into sight and we disembarked. A big oaf named Hagrid brought us to the entrance and told us to go up the stairs. Lily walked beside me and talked about how beautiful everything seemed. My mood lifted as soon as I saw her green eyes and I wondered how I could ever be sour.

A teacher who introduced herself as Professor McGonagall told us that we were going to be sorted shortly and that we were to sit at our house tables. She prattled on for a few minutes about respecting our houses and the fellow students, even if they weren't in our houses. I watched Lily's eyes go wide with interest and I couldn't help but smile.

We got called into the Great Hall and we lined up in two rows to get between the tables. Lily's green eyes seemed to go even wider than they had previously been and she was trying to look at everything at once. The group stopped in front of a stool upon which an old hat was seated. It was brown and tattered and I wondered what it was doing there.

It suddenly began shaking and burst into life. A song erupted from its lips and we stood there awkwardly as the song continued. Finally, when the hat settled down again, McGonagall stood up and was holding a piece of parchment. She suddenly began calling the name of a student and a girl from the group went to the front. She sat on the stool, looking as if she was going to cry. The teacher placed the hat on her head and it yelled out "Ravenclaw!"

The whole group seemed to un-tense now that they knew what to expect. Names were being called and I saw Black go up only to have the hat called out "Gryffindor!" A wide grin spread over his face and I noticed some shocked looks on his cousins' faces. I bet they weren't expecting that one.

Lily, being an Evans, came early in the alphabet. When Lily's name was called, she gave me a smile that she probably hoped was reassuring. She was scared, that was obvious, but I smiled back to help her. She made her way through the crowd and sat on the stool. The hat came down on her red hair and her eyes got slightly rounder for a moment. The hat suddenly called "Gryffindor" and a sad smile grew on her face.

My heart dropped at this. Lily, my Lily, was in Gryffindor? There was no way I was going to get into that house. I was lucky enough if the hat thought I was worthy enough to be in Slytherin. She went over to the table that was cheering for her. I saw Potter and Black exchange a look and I wanted to hex Potter.

No way was he going to get my Lily.

Eventually they reached the latter half of the alphabet. Potter was called and he made his way up to the stool. It was obvious what the hat was going to call out, and when it did, the Gryffindor table roared with cheering. Black especially, but I wasn't paying attention to him. I could see Lily cheering half-heartedly, looking around the crowd for me. Her green eyes roamed but before they could land on me, a girl to her right began chatting with her. Lily's attention was diverted and she stopped looking for me. My heart sank slightly but I took a deep breath to calm myself. I was getting worked up for nothing. Obviously she was allowed to talk to other people.

I suddenly heard my name being called and I didn't have to push my way through that many people. The letter S was pretty far down the alphabet and most of the other students had already been sorted. I sat on the stool, knowing what my fate was beforehand. As I predicted, the hat shout out "SLYTHERIN". The table cheered for me, but I felt like screaming.

Lily and I were separated. We could never be friends. It wasn't going to be allowed.

--

Lily quickly made friends with some other Gryffindor girls, and they seemed almost inseparable. I was happy for her, but I also felt a twinge of jealousy. I wanted her to talk to me, smile at me, and laugh at my jokes. But the time for us to be friends seemed to be long gone.

I tried talking to her a few times, but her friends would either whisk her away or something else would get in my way.

I had to admit, I was scared of some of the other Slytherins. Lucius Malfoy, who had basically took me under his wing, made me inwardly cringe. He was the type of wizard that believed "pure bloods" were better than everyone else, muggle-borns especially. He introduced me to some of his friends, all who had the same attitude as he, and I found myself suddenly having a big group of wizards who were my 'friends'. Just why they accepted me, with a Muggle father, was not clear to me. I got the vague impression that, even if you didn't have pure blood, you could be "Purified". They regarded me as Purified.

It didn't stop me from wishing I could still be with Lily. I knew my fate though: I wasn't allowed to love Lily and we could never be together if she loved me back.

One evening, as I was sitting in the common room of the dungeon, Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Black came slinking up beside me. They sat down, on either sides, and I closed my book. "We were thinking of going for a walk. Want to come?"

I eyed them carefully and quickly glanced outside. "We'll have to be careful. We wouldn't want Filch to catch us in the halls."

Big grins grew over their taut faces and I couldn't help the one that was twitching on my lips. "That's the spirit. Come on." I put my book down on the table and leaped up from where I was sitting. I noticed a few other Slytherins waiting by the door and we joined them. I recognized a few and remembered only half of their names.

We set out and I followed the group wondering what was going on. Was it some sort of initiation thing? I hoped not.

The grounds came into sight as we snuck out of the castle and a sudden thrill coursed through my veins. We walked farther out, the line of the forest looming in sight. A rustle in the bush to my right startled me, but it was only another Slytherin joining our party. It was an older one that I had not talked to yet and didn't know his name. Avery leaned over and whispered "Where are we going?"

I looked at him and realised that there were some of us who didn't know what was going on. It made me feel better, but I didn't say so. I shrugged and said "I dunno." Avery's troubled look didn't leave his face but he turned back towards the tree line.

We passed into the dark forest, any remaining light that might have been filtering through was gone. It was for only a moment that we were in darkness before students began lighting their wands. I muttered the _Lumos_ spell as well and a small glowing erupted from my wand. A few first years, those next to me, turned to stare. We had barely even begun spell casting, and already I knew probably as much as any 7th year. They were probably jealous and I felt proud of myself for a moment. Maybe that's why I was Purified.

The group suddenly stopped, and we first years in the back had to watch that we didn't bump into anyone. I caught a glimpse of some people in the front but all I could see were dark cloths. Hoods covered their heads and there were interesting masks covering their faces. I knew I should be scared but I was feeling strangely calm, as if I was supposed to be here.

The circle of black clothes parted and we joined the circle. I noticed Avery was shaking slightly and I wanted to laugh because he was scared. I held my tongue though because there was someone taking a step forward. All the sounds of the forest were silent, as if they too were waiting to see what the speaker had to say.

"Brothers and sisters alike," the deep voice said, "you are here for a reason." Whoever it was that was talking, I was positive it was a bloke because of his deep voice, waited a moment to continue. "You and I are similar in our beliefs. Our world is special, unique. Magic belong with wizards, am I right?"

A chorus of agreements rose in the air before being silent again. I stood there, unsure of what was going on. Was this some sort of cult? I hoped I was being dragged to some sort of sacrificing. It was silly that thought, so I ignored it right away.

The man continued though so I didn't have to think that much more about it. "Why should we have to share out powers with Mudbloods? Only Pure-Bloods should have access to such great power. It's what divides us from them. The weak from the strong."

Another chorus of agreement rose from the crowd. This time, it did not go silent as fast. The man waited for everyone to settle down. "For our newcomers," he glanced in my direction but because I couldn't see his eyes, I did not know if he even saw me, "you will soon learn our ways. We have to know that you are trustworthy enough to be a part of our group. So, for a month, you will have a Slytherin shadow you. You will not know where they will be or when they are watching you. We do not accept just anyone. We need members that we know can be trusted with special missions."

My heart was racing and I tried to soothe it, to no avail. This would mean I couldn't talk to Lily anymore. I could feel my heart contracting slightly and I gulped. Luckily there was a slight murmur going through the crowd and my gulp was not heard.

People started flittering out of the clearing and I saw Lucius nod to us. It was our cue to leave as well and we shuffled out, walking between the trees.

Avery came up to me and gave me a strange look. "What was that?"

"I think we have been invited to join a cult," I said, trying to make it seem like a joke, but in fact it sounded more like the truth than anything else.

"Oh," was all he said and stopped talking.

Good, I thought, because I wanted to be left alone.

--

The morning after, I wrote a quick note to Lily asking her to avoid me for a few weeks because other Slytherins weren't keen on me being friends with Muggles and Gryffindors, especially if they belonged to both those categories.

When I saw her in the halls, she gave me a pleading look, and I wanted to go back on my word. But, I took a deep breath and set my face. I wanted to be accepted, especially with people who were like me. Lily, as much as she accepted me, would never understand. I needed this.

--

It was only in the springtime when the group met again. I found it strange that such an enormous time gap would be between the two meetings, but I just assumed that they needed to find a time where we could actually get into the forest by foot. The time and place was the same though, and there were still people in creepy masks.

I had, during those months that nothing new was being said, tried looking up who these people were. I had searched the library's many books, going as far back as I could possibly, looking at any books that might have any sort of cultic reference. All of this was in vain though and I was stumped. It was obviously out of the question to ask a teacher, because I had a feeling that this wasn't what the professors would consider extra-curricular activities.

The deep voiced person took to the middle of the circle again and began speaking. "I am proud to say that not only has everyone passed the trust test, but also, we have our great Lord here tonight wishing to speak to our newcomers. Everyone bow to Lord Voldemort."

Everyone bowed low and I followed their example. I watched for when everyone got up and when they did, I did was well. A man took the masked one's place, his dark robes quite a contrast to his pale skin. His dark hair also added a contrast and I wondered who this Lord guy was. I hadn't heard of him.

"Although some of you might not know who I am, you will soon find out. As Marcus said, I am Lord Voldemort. We are meeting in secret because my ideas seem radical to the others. Muggles and Muggle-loving folks do not understand my point of view; but I know you do. Each and every one of you here because you believe in the same thing I do."

Voldemort continued talking for a while, saying how much he appreciated the support of us, his followers. He also added that he was doing what he planned on doing for the good of wizarding kind. He didn't actually reveal what his plans were, but by the tone of his voice and the excitement from the older members, I could tell it was something major.

Lord Voldemort left the circle and the deep-voiced Marcus came back. "We will not have the opportunity to speak again until next September, obviously due to the secrecy and the time frame. That is when we will have our swearing in ceremony. We will begin filtering the next batch in after that."

There was no specific 'good-bye', or if there was one, I did not notice because all of a sudden, people began leaving. We left after a nod from Lucius and this time, I walked beside him.

"So Snape, what do you think of Lord Voldemort?"

"Well, to be truthful, I wasn't too sure what he was talking about."

Lucius laughed. "Don't worry, everything will soon be clear."

--

I didn't hear anything about the meetings for the rest of the school year. Classes blurred and before I knew it, exams were looming. I only skimmed over the material because I didn't need to study. The days left until school was done were mocking me. I was planning on talking to Lily over the summer and telling her most of what happened. I wanted her to understand and say that it was all right, she got it. I wanted her to say that no matter what happened, she would always be my friend.

But most of all, I wanted to say to her that I was sorry for more or less ignoring her. Smiles in the hall and a "Hi, how are you?" randomly when we sat close to each other in a class wasn't enough.

Exams went and came and I was confident that I did well. I was sure Lily did too, and that was something else to look forward to over the summer. Maybe things could be like they were last summer, just the two of us, away from Lucius Malfoy and James Potter.

But when I got on the train, she didn't even look at me as I passed her. She brought her friends to a compartment and slammed the door shut. I felt strange inside as I sat with Avery and Mulciber, another Slytherin that I had seen at the meetings, and we talked about school.

The thing with Lily bugged me though, and I couldn't shake the feeling that nothing was ever going to be the same.

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**Author's note: I got no reviews for the last chapter. How am I supposed to know people like this story of there's no feedback?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: Second year for Mr. Snape. So far he's made some not-too-good friends and is unconsciously and partly consciously pushing away his only true friend. Good times.  
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My summer didn't go as well as I planned. Which is usually the case, but I was hoping that for my Lily situation, things would be different.

The first day of our holiday, I nearly tripped over my pants trying to get to Lily's house. It didn't help that my pants were a little too long for me. I finally got there and knocked on the door.

Her mother opened the door and smiled at me. "Hello dear. Are you looking for Lily?"

"Yes Mrs. Evans. Is she here?"

"Sorry dear, but she isn't. She and Petunia went to visit their grandmother for the week. I can tell her you came by though."

"Oh that's alright. I'll come by next week. Thank you."

I left feeling a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I had pushed her away with my hopes to fit in with a crowd that I could be myself with, but what I hadn't noticed was that I fit in with her just fine.

I waited a week, occupying myself with homework and reading textbooks. On the day I assumed she would return, I walked down to her house, following the same path as I had.

Once again, I knocked on the door and when it opened, my heart fluttered in its chest. Lily stood there, hands crossed over her chest. "What do you want?" And just as my heart had fluttered, it broke.

"I came to apologize for the way I acted this year. I was trying to fit in with the Slytherins because you had lots of Gryffindor friends and wouldn't have as much time for me. I guess I was just influenced by them, and not in a good way."

Lily's posture relaxed slightly. "I can understand that. You just didn't have to be rude about it."

"I know," I said, hanging my head slightly. "And that's why I'm apologizing."

The red-head smiled. "I missed you this year."

Those words, so soft spoken, and the slight tint of blush that painted her cheek made my heart leap higher than any time before. "I missed you too Lily."

She moved over to invite me in and I gladly made my way inside.

_-_-_-_-_

My summer went by so fast, with Lily and I reconnecting. We talked about our individual Hogwarts experiences, but I left out the secret meetings and the man they called the Dark Lord. It was a heavy burden I had to carry, but there was no way I could tell Lily about it.

I did tell her though of the interesting people I associated with during the year like Malfoy and Bellatrix. I also told her of Avery and how he was a chicken when we went for a walk in the forest. I thought she would laugh and enjoy my stories, but her face became increasingly worried.

"Severus, those people don't seem like the kind of people you should associate with. They seem like troublemakers."

"They're not. They're nice people."

Her face crunched, but she didn't argue. "If you say so."

I knew that she didn't understand, but I didn't think there was much I could do to change her mind.

_-_-_-_-_-_

I sat with Avery and Mulciber on the train, trying to engage in the conversation they were having, but failing miserably. I wasn't a social person, and it was obvious. When we got to the school, I let out a sigh of happiness. The castle was just as I had left it and seeing it made my heart swell. I was home, I thought. I never wanted to leave this place.

We went into the Great Hall right away, where we waited for the first years to be sorted. I sat close to Malfoy but he was too busy talking to another Slytherin to notice. The first years came out suddenly, all of them looking nervous, and scared. I wondered for a moment if that's how we looked last year to the other students, but I left my mind as Malfoy turned to me and said, "Don't stray too far tonight. We'll need you."

I knew what it meant and nodded. I looked over at Lily and saw her purse her lips at my interaction with Malfoy. I gave her a sort of smile which she returned before turning her attention back towards the front where the first years were getting sorted. A pang in my chest started but I pushed it away. There would always be other days for Lily to smile at me.

Once the sorting was done and we had eaten our supper, the headmaster instructed us to go back to our common rooms. Each table went their separate ways and I ended up standing next to one of the first years. I looked down at him and he nervously looked up at me, probably feeling my gaze on him.

"What?" he asked, trying to sound tough.

"Nothing," I sneered at him, giving him a look. The boy looked away and walked slower so that he was no longer next to me. That would serve him right to be rude.

Once the evening wore down, Bellatrix came to find me in the common room as I was reading my second year potions textbook. "We're meeting tonight. Lucius is already there, so I'll be bringing you."

"Oh. Okay." I noticed Avery and Mulciber behind her as well as a few other Slytherin's I recognized. I got up from my perch on the couch and placed my book down.

We followed the older girl to the forest, checking around up all the time to make sure we weren't being followed. A low hum was coming from somewhere deep in the forest and I wondered if it was the product of people talking excitedly. When we got into the clearing there seemed to be more people than last time in the circle. I nodded to a few people I knew, and made my way to an empty slot in the circle. The people in the strange masks appeared again and I knew that Lord guy was going to be arriving at any moment.

"Bow to Lord Voldemort," one of them said, clearing the right hand of the Lord.

I followed everyone's example, even though it seemed silly and when I got up, I noticed Lord Voldemort's face had a twisted smile. "Hello my brothers and sisters. I am glad to see everyone is well and that there are many more people here than before. As I had said last time we met, meetings will be scarce. Dumbledore will be soon casting spells around the castle limits so that no one can Apparate anywhere close by. I would rather not have to hike through these trees, so we will have to find a new meeting spot. There is a shack that has suddenly appeared beyond Hogsmeade, although I hear it is haunted. I am sure my followers will find a suitable spot for us." He smiled to one of them, and it sent shivers down my spine.

I heard a small sigh from next to me and I noticed Bellatrix smile warmly towards him. The look was almost love or adoration or something along those lines and I briefly wondered if she fancied him. He was attractive enough, with dark hair and a charming demeanour. I suddenly wondered if he wasn't tricking people into believing his words. Bellatrix would probably jump off a bridge for him if he just smiled at her. How pathetic.

Voldemort continued. "As some of you know, my rise to power is beginning to scare some people, and they are saying some very nasty things." A haunted look passed over his face and I could feel the tension going around the circle. "I advise you not to listen to it. Instead, spread the truths. They will soon see that I am right, that my beliefs are those we should live by. We are the better race. We hold all the power and we should be keeping it that way. It is for the greater good of wizardom."

I was fascinated by the things he was saying. He had not really explained what plans were and yet almost everyone here, if not everyone, was ready to do whatever he said. I looked over at Avery and I noticed he was fidgeting on the spot. It seemed he wasn't ready to listen to everything this lord guy had to say.

"And now, my brothers and sisters, I must leave you. Just remember that your purpose is no longer to just grow up with the expectations of everyone else. Your expectations belong to me, and I tell you that you must have faith in me. I know the future for the world. I am the future of this world. And I would not recommend you belonging to the other side. It might lead to a certain…" he chuckled for a moment, as if it was his own private joke, "unhappy ending for many."

A ripple of laughter ran through the circle, not all of it genuine. I got the feeling that we were left out of something, and judging by the looks of the older members, it only added to that feeling. I realized that we were just pawns in this game, and we were disposable.

I didn't dare voice my opinion as we walked back to our common room; I kept quiet the whole time reflecting over what I had heard. Voldemort had something nasty brewing and there was going to be something happening. What it was, it wasn't clear, but I could tell it would be big.

_-_-_-_-_-_

Classes started the next day and I counted four classes with Lily. She smiled at me when I sat at the table right next to hers, although she pretended not to have noticed me. I usually had Avery or Mulciber sit next to me, which wasn't too bad, but they were both dummies. I wished that I could sit with Lily, but to do that would kill any and all trust the Slytherins had in me.

In the last class of the day, Potions, Lily slipped a note onto my desk just as we were leaving. I hastily shoved it into the pockets of my robes before leaving the class. However, the moment I stepped across the threshold, an arm collided with my books and they fell to the ground.

I fell to my knees to pick them up, looking up as I gathered them. The Marauders were standing there, laughing. Potter slapped his knee and Black clutched his stomach while the two others stood behind them laughing a little more constrained.

I got up and walked away, not even bothering saying anything. I wasn't in the mood. "Hey Snevelly, I think you forgot something."

I turned around and there was Black, holding up the piece of paper Lily had given me. My jaw dropped and it took all my strength not to drop my books and go punch him. I walked over as confident as I could and tried to grab the paper. Black rose the paper higher, wanting me to jump for it. "Give it here."

"Um… no."

"Give me the paper."

"What's the magic word?"

"You're a prick. Now give me the bloody paper!"

"Language. Not very polite for a twelve year old."

"Do I look like I care what you think? Now give it back."

"Wow, I'll have to think about it. No."

Suddenly Slughorn came out of the class. "Is there a problem here boys?"

"Oh no professor. I was just telling Severus that he dropped a piece of parchment on the floor and I was returning it to him." Black thrust the paper in my hand and gave me a smile. "You should be more careful with you things. Who knows what you might lose?" The four boys left, laughter erupting as soon as they had gotten around the corner.

"Thanks," I mumbled to the professor before walking away hastily in the other direction. I didn't even look back to see if he was watching.

_-_-_-_

I could not read Lily's note for a while, partly for rage and partly because of lack of privacy. Instinct told me that I did not want to be seen reading it.

I was tempted to complain about the incident to Bellatrix, who was Black's cousin, leaving out the love note. I changed my mind for several reasons. First, Bellatrix would have been tempted to avenge herself, and expected me to. My failure to do so would degrade me in her eyes. Secondly, "cousinship" seemed to count for little in the Wizard world. We were a small society and few, particularly in the Slytherin house, married Muggles. The result was there a lot of intermarriage. Nearly everybody at Hogwarts, aside from the Muggleborn, was related to everybody else, and nobody thought much about it. For all I knew, Bellatrix might hate her cousin and even be tempted to kill him someday.

Another effect of the bullying was to wipe out, temporarily, my misgivings about "Voldemort". The dark Lord may have worrisome plans for the future, that I might find vaguely disquieting, but the Marauders had acted with blatant cruelty, to me. I told myself that was far worse.

Finally I found myself alone in my room, all of my dorm-mates away. In that rare moment of privacy, I pulled out Lily's paper and read it.

_Severus,_

_I'm sorry about making you feel bad about your mates. Meet me tonight by the lake. _

_L._

A flutter of hope shone in my chest, soothing the rage I felt with the Marauders.

_-_-_-_-_

I went down to the lake, excited and scared at the same time. What was Lily going to say? Would she tell me she didn't care what they thought and we should still be mates? I hoped so. But the next question that popped into my brain wasn't as optimistic. Could I even be her mate? The Slytherins weren't too keen on Gryffindor, especially the Muggleborn kind. What would happen if they found out?

"Severus? Is that you?"

I heard her voice and turned around. "Lily." The first real smile in a long time shone on my face. "How are you?"

"I'm happy to be back," she admitted. "I missed the castle."

"Yeah, me too. It feels like home for me."

"And how are you? I mean, really. I feel like I barely saw you over the summer."

"We got together quite a bit," I said, confused. "We saw each other."

Lily laughed. "Silly Severus. I said I FELT like I barely saw you."

"Oh." I could feel my cheeks heat up. "I guess so then."

"I want to be mates with you, but how can we be? Your friends don't allow it and neither do mine. We would basically have to live a double life just to talk to each other."

The idea made me smile, but I knew what she was saying. "We should at least try. Meet when we can."

"Agreed."

_-_-_-_-_-_

A few months past before Lily and I could meet again. It was during one of the Hogsmeade trips where we met in the forest.

"Severus!" she cried out when she saw me. She ran over and gave me a quick hug. "Have I got some stories to tell you." A look of joy was plastered on her face and I couldn't help but smile back. This was how it was supposed to be.

We talked for a few hours and I always veered the conversation to her life. Nothing that I could openly talk about was interesting and I didn't want to bore her with the stories. When our time was up, we agreed to meet again the next Hogsmeade trip. She left before I did, which was our way not to be seen together, and I followed her steps minutes later.

I somehow took a wrong turn though, the trees looking quite similar, and I found myself to be in the clearing again. Glancing around, I noted that there was nothing special about this particular clearing, except that it was one of the few places in the forest that was lacking the thick foliage. Well, obviously, I told myself. It was a clearing after all.

Looking around the circle again, I realised that it was just a convenient spot for everyone to assemble. I looked up and noticed a sort of canvas of foliage that covered the place. Was it because Lord Bloke didn't want anyone to see the group? I thought back to what he had said, about people not believing what he believed in. Hadn't he also mentioned it was for the greater good? He had been terribly vague in his beliefs and I wondered if it was on purpose. He seemed like a smart bloke, one who could easily influence people, through more ways than cursing them. Bellatrix looked like she would do anything he asked.

Taking one more look around the innocent clearing, I turned back around, finally finding my path back towards the school.

I had the sudden feeling like I was being watched but when I looked around, I did not noticed any eyes. A sort of paranoia crept into my bones and I shuffled hurriedly towards the school.

_-_-_-_-_

Months went by with no news from Lily, no new Hogmeade trips and no Lord meetings. To occupy my mind, I did my homework, read other grades' textbooks and spent time in the library. I tried not to integrate myself with Malfoy and his gang too much, mostly because they were older and they had different ideas of what was fun.

I had once caught him snogging another Slytherin in the common room late at night and ran back to my room before he saw me. If that was his idea of fun, I knew I wouldn't like it.

Christmas time came and went, and I stayed at school. A small present from my mum was next to my bed in the morning, and it contained socks and peppermints, which I hid well so that I would not have to share. Lily had gotten me a card, which she did not sign in case it fell into the wrong hands; but I knew it was from her just by the style of lettering and the smell of the paper. Included were some homemade cookies that she had made with her mum. Apparently she said hello to me as well.

After the holidays had passed, there was still no news from Lord Bloke. I wondered if maybe he had given up on us but the thought seemed silly so I pushed it away. As well, a Hogsmeade trip had come and gone, but Lily had been busy working on an assignment that day and could not make it.

I could feel the levels of my happiness continuously depleting, but there was nothing for me to do. Lily was too busy, Lord Bloke wasn't having meetings and Potter and his group enjoyed being mean to me. Over all, I was beginning to feel as welcome here as I was at home.

_-_-_-_-_-_

Near the end of March, Malfoy found me in the common room. "We're having a meeting, just us Slytherins."

"Okay." I looked at him, waiting for him to elaborate.

"Are you going to come or just sit there?"

"I'll come." I got up and followed him, wondering why it seemed I would do anything just to have someone be my friend. I really wasn't into Lord Bloke's teaching, but whatever.

We made our way to a room that I had never been to and there were other Slytherins waiting around. I saw a few I knew, and although there were many I did not know, I had to admit that I recognized more than half the crowd.

"Most of you know why you are here," Malfoy said, addressing the crowd. "The Dark Lord could not attend this meeting unfortunately, but he has placed it upon me to make sure there is progress. Most of you know that associating with Muggles is not acceptable. We have purer blood then they do and we are superior. Why should we swoop down to their level?"

My heart nearly stopped. Could they have known about Lily and me? I looked around the room, trying my best not to look guilty, but I realized that Malfoy wasn't looking at me. He was looking at an older Slytherin, who looked completely calm.

"What? She was a good shag." A low chuckle ran around the room and I was nearly disgusted by their crudity.

"Just try to make sure it doesn't happen again. We wouldn't want to accidentally create some half-bloods."

What was I doing with this crowd? I was a half-blood, although I never admitted it; I never admitted I was a pure-blood either. They probably just assumed I was because I was in Slytherin.

"We need to keep our race pure. That is the number one priority. Muggles should bow down to us, they should have to hide from us, not the other way around."

"If they are basically our slaves, then what's the problem with shagging a few?"

I didn't see who said it, but I heard the general direction of where it came from. "I cannot control your lives," a small smirk grew on his face and I wondered if he wished he could, "but I would have to say that shagging them for nothing more than your own pleasure doesn't seem like too mad an idea. Just don't get them pregnant, or let yourself become pregnant, and whatever you do: do NOT fall in love with them. We are superior. Remember that."

Everyone seemed to agree someway, a nod or a smile, and I nodded, even though I knew I was lying. I didn't understand the problem with Muggles. Sure, there were people like Tobias and his family that made me understand why some might hate Muggles. But, looking at Lily and her family, I wondered what could there be to hate? They were on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. To generalize and hate everyone seemed silly, but I didn't dare voice my opinion.

" Now, the meeting is officially adjourned. Leave in groups of two or three, but not more or else you will attract attention."

People left sporadically, and I was one of the last to go. I walked along side of Malfoy and Bellatrix, hearing them talk about the meeting. "I knew that Gregory had low standards, but still. A Muggleborn? And a Gryffindor one at that." Bellatrix let out a low whistle. "If his father only knew."

"Ah, but it is not our place. If he continues this liaison and it turns into something we need to be worried about, she can easily be disposed of."

I was able to catch my horror before it hit my face, but I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Bellatrix laughed, but it sounded far away. Things were finally sinking in. Lord Voldemort hated Muggles enough to want to kill them.

_-_-_-_-_-_

After that meeting, the school year went by quickly. Exams came up, and we were all busy studying. No more meetings were scheduled and Lily and I met only twice. I warned her that we had to be extra careful now, because I believed that people were watching me. Every time I walked into the Common Room, I half expected Malfoy sitting there, glaring at me and telling me that Lily would be dealt with. It came as a relief that every day, it did not happen.

Still, no matter what was being said to me and the things I overheard, I could not help but want to be next to her at every moment. I would watch her sometimes, chatting with her friends, wondering if she wished she could chat with me in the same way.

The train ride home was a long one, but I did not mind. It meant the longer I had until I was back to my house. I spent my time fantasizing about having a home just like Lily's, with a mother and father who love each other and maybe a sibling. If I had a brother, I would teach him how to make potions that created goo. If I had a sister, I would protect her and maybe even play dolls with her if I was in a good mood.

The whistle of the train brought me back to reality and I shuffled off the train hoping I would see it again soon.

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**Author's note: Reviews? Thanks.**


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